I came upon this list the other day. I find that I get stuck in a rut more often than I'd like, and I'm going to use this list to inject some fun into my daily routine.
Brian and I started the list with #46, taking the day to drive around. Ryan's birthday was this past Saturday, so Friday night we went to Giant Eagle to buy cake stuff. We're headed home around midnight when Brian turns to me and asks if I want to go home or just drive around. I tell him to tell me where to turn. We ended up in this adorable post-war suburban neighborhood, all single-family homes and cars parked on the curb. Brian just kept directing me uphill, until we found an amazing overlook of the city. Right as we were going over the peak, Brian noticed a set of stairs leading off the road. We parked and walked down. They led to another road about forty feet lower. We kept driving, made one turn, and we were by the zoo. Brian started yelling, "I know exactly where we are. How did we get here?" I just smiled.
We started again in a new direction. Brian took me to this outlook over the highway. I guess there used to be a house there because there is clearly a brick foundation. Now it's all trees. It was cold and icy and our flashlight was weak, so we stopped about 3/4 of the way down. Neither of us wanted to be stuck out on that cliff. We drove for a long time after that, one turn and Brian knew exactly where we were. That's the fun of driving adventures. Discovering new parts of the city, Spacial relationships.
We went to McDonald's for bathroom break and snacks. Waited inside for ten minutes without any service before waiting in the drive-thru for twenty minutes. At one point Brian realized that the location was open 24/7 and how dangerous that was. He just turned to me and said, "I don't think I could work here." I laughed the rest of the night.
We got home at 4 and slept soundly. No pictures but I'm sure we'll do it again. Maybe with a fuller car, or a longer distance.
Fat acceptance is a very scary thing.
I've been fat my whole life. And through societal signs, I had come to accept the fact that my physical appearance was to blame for many of my failures. Being fat meant that I was ugly, lazy, stupid, impulsive, weak, out of control, unhealthy, unable and unwilling to change. I didn't have a boyfriend because I was fat. I didn't dress nice because I was fat. It was an easy catch-all that meant I never had to develop any other aspect of my personality.
And then comes fat acceptance. I start reading and realize that I don't have any health problems because of my weight. Nor has being fat impaired my academic development. I'm fat because of genetics, I can't permanently lose weight because diets don't work. I realize that there is nothing wrong with being fat.
Fat acceptance is a very scary thing because if I can't blame it on being fat, that means something else is to blame. I don't have a boyfriend because I'm an aggressive and emotionally insecure bitch. I don't dress well because I have absolutely no sense of style. My system no longer works. But I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with its replacement.
When I reach my hand into the darkness, it would be nice if someone was there to grab it.
The worst part about being injured is the inability to be autonomous.
Watch this clip and tell me why impeachment is off the table.
I just had a terrible experience with my new doctor.
What really got to me was that after she did a breast exam, she asked if I needed help putting my bra back on. When I said I was able to do it and then reached back to hook it back on, she exclaimed with surprise, "Oh, you can do that all by yourself?" Did she think that I was too fat to reach around and put my bra on? How did she think I get dressed in the morning?
Needless to say, I was not pleased. I told my aunt about it when we got home and she was shocked. My aunt has been very firm about not wanting to discuss weight. I wonder why the doctor thought she'd be able to walk over me?
http://kevan.org/johari?name=mansonrepublica
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=mansonrepublica
Sometimes I will come across a personal ad on Craigslist and wonder if Jim is still posting. It makes me smile to think that he is, only because it seems that is my only contact with him.
Sometimes I wonder if I should post an ad. What would I write? Who would answer?
There has been a lot of stuff going on recently, and I just feel like I don't need this shit. Getting sick, the stress of playground, project after project, physically demanding crew calls, and now my family is falling apart. Within the last two weeks, both of my grandparents have been in and out of the hospital with major health problems. And how am I supposed to deal with all this? Spring break is coming up, but going home is not a break.
Of course, once I get home, the impossible responsibility of pulling my family back together will be forced upon me. It seems that whenever shit goes down, I am given the role of mediator. I am the sensible one, I am the level-headed one. Nevermind that I have my own problems to worry about. I am expected to put my problems aside and fix everything.
I hate that I am the only person who seems to have control of their emotions. Everyone else seems to be so...excitable. The littlest things will set off fights that last for weeks. Each of them becomes so self-righteous, assuming the role of victim, convinced of the legitimacy of their opinions. I, on the other hand, must remain as uncontroversial as possible.
I'd like to break down once in a while. Let emotions rule my life instead of logic. Make reckless decisions based only on gut feeling. Damn the consequences. Sometimes I'd just like to let my feelings show. I'm tired of being strong. As childlike as it sounds, the thing I want most is to lie in bed and have someone hold me.
Is it such a terrible thing that I'm pining for 18th century poets?
