3 posts tagged “family”

I think finding an internship is harder than actually working one. Paid or unpaid is not a big deal, as my mother already gives me some monthly spending money. But I need housing. Absolutely necessary. Pretty much a deal-breaker. That MASS MoCA thing was the only one that worked, so of course it was filled. So I sent in my papers for the Disney College Program. I've kept putting it off because I always thought there'd be something more fitting, some theatre work I could do. And then I put all my eggs into that basket, and the basket gets catapulted into a stone wall. And I still need the eggs, so I survive for a few months on goo and dirt and bits of shell. I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. Good thing is that when something works, I am over the goddamn moon. Hardest worker, best at everything. But one broken egg is as good as a dozen.

I am thankful that this year's celebration went off without a hitch. No one stormed away from the dinner table, no massive miscommunications. My mother's birthday was Monday, so a few people brought gifts to dinner today. My aunt got her this cute portable kareokee system. I think we hung around for three hours trying it out. Not really anything else to say.

Started tech for Blithe Spirit this week. It is kind of a mess right now, but that is to be expected. I'm working props for the show. There's a ton of stuff. Mostly set dressing but also the huge red flags of glass and consumables. There are also quite a few things that we don't have yet, which makes life even harder. How can I track something that doesn't exist yet? Show opens on Thursday, so we better get moving.

I have no idea what my next semester is going to be like. I really don't want to spend another four months at home. My family drives me a little crazy (okay, more than a little). Trying to find an internship for the spring. That's proving to harder than I thought. Most theaters only offer summer programs. Those that do have regular season internships want someone for the whole year. Wish I'd applied to more places for the fall. Right now I'm looking at one in Massachusetts. Don't know how likely I am to get it, since it looks pretty competitive. And it's possible that I've missed the application deadline? I've found three different submission dates for the same internship. Pros: housing is provided and I'd be close to Bess. Cons: doesn't get me any closer to a degree and I'd still have to figure out what to do for fall '09. I can only take things one step at a time, though. I'll be sending their program director an email tomorrow, and then get all my materials in order. Fingers crossed.

There has been a lot of stuff going on recently, and I just feel like I don't need this shit. Getting sick, the stress of playground, project after project, physically demanding crew calls, and now my family is falling apart. Within the last two weeks, both of my grandparents have been in and out of the hospital with major health problems. And how am I supposed to deal with all this? Spring break is coming up, but going home is not a break.

Of course, once I get home, the impossible responsibility of pulling my family back together will be forced upon me. It seems that whenever shit goes down, I am given the role of mediator. I am the sensible one, I am the level-headed one. Nevermind that I have my own problems to worry about. I am expected to put my problems aside and fix everything.

I hate that I am the only person who seems to have control of their emotions. Everyone else seems to be so...excitable. The littlest things will set off fights that last for weeks. Each of them becomes so self-righteous, assuming the role of victim, convinced of the legitimacy of their opinions. I, on the other hand, must remain as uncontroversial as possible.

I'd like to break down once in a while. Let emotions rule my life instead of logic. Make reckless decisions based only on gut feeling. Damn the consequences. Sometimes I'd just like to let my feelings show. I'm tired of being strong. As childlike as it sounds, the thing I want most is to lie in bed and have someone hold me.